"Does she want to hold hands...would that be enough for her?"
Al is a 75-year-old widower who is lonely. He just met my friend who was telling Al about her 77-year-old mother, Holly. Al just wants to hold hands, cuddle on the sofa while watching his favorite TV shows, put his arm around his Lady as they walk into a cafe for lunch.
There are times that our body parts just aren't what they used to be, but we nonetheless have a longing for soul connections, for companionship, for the touching of hands, for hugging and cuddling. There are times we long for quiet and peaceful companionship, minus the drama of youth's passions and fiery conflicts.
Henry, a 50-year-old father of four adult boys and recently divorced, has discovered that many women he is meeting online and through friends are "hot to trot" and want a wild "roll in the hay". Henry's head is spinning. He misses being married. He didn't want the divorce. He doesn't enjoy feeling the pressure to "perform" -- especially after years of his wife teasing him for being the "minuteman"...
I've been a widow for over five years and there are times that the emptiness in my bed, the empty chair next to me at a wedding party or holiday meal, the empty space in the room when I'm with friends and family is painful and palpable for me. I miss my husband's hands holding mine. I miss my husband's gentle kiss that for over 30 years gave me the silent reassurance that I was his beloved. I miss my husband's voice, his laugh, his smile as his eyes would twinkle with delight as he looked at me. Yes...I miss that soul connection. I find myself looking for that connection everywhere I go, whether it be a party or a networking event. I find myself wishing that magically some special man will appear into my life, will see me from across the room, will recognize that I am that special extraordinary woman with whom he could share the joys of life. Yes...I am longing. As I look around me, I'm looking at the body parts. But more to the point, I am looking for the soul connection.
Whether we are women or men, whether or not we are in our 30's or 70's, we all have longings for connections -- soul connections. We don't want to be sexual "objects", not really. We want to be precious to someone; we want someone to be precious for us. We want to hug and kiss with tenderness and loving delight, don't we?
There is much in the literature these days about "soul mates". Arielle Ford (www.soulmatesecret.com) has written a book and created a new career for herself, based on her own experience in finding her own "soul mate" in her 40's and also tells the story of her 80-year-old mother-in-law who found her soul mate in her 80's. Yes...we are all "looking" for that special person, that special connection, that special "spark" of recognition and sweetness we call a "soul connection".
Arielle Ford and others talks about how we can create the intention, clear the space, and actually take steps to "manifest" our own soul mate, making that special soul connection. In one of Arielle's recent newsletters, she suggests that we can help move along that intention and manifest our soul mates by taking workshops and classes that put us in the optimum mindset for attracting that special person to us.
I suggest that you go online to the following sites to explore your options for taking some summer courses designed to help you attract your love: www.mishkaproductions.com, www.eomega.org, and www.kripalu.org.
I have let go of a lover who was not the soul connection I thought was there. I saw what I wanted to see. The body parts which we shared, the passion which was ours, blinded me and fooled me into thinking that ours was a soul connection. If it was, I may take the rest of my life learning to understand it and apply those lessons to my life. In the meantime, the passionate connection of body parts taught me to be very clear about who I am, what I want, what I believe I can have, and also to know that there are times I would rather have nothing at all than to have something which is less than my heart's deepest desire.
Although I am quickly approaching my 7th decade (I'm currently 68), I do believe that the universe wants me to experience love and joy. I cannot be open to receiving my heart's deepest desire as long as I am accepting less.
Perhaps this summer I will see you at Kripalu or Omega. Perhaps this summer I will meet my love, my friend, my lover and my new life partner. I do believe that anything is possible!
With love and blessings
Sheila
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE?
"I don't think I want to be her boy toy!"
These are the words of a man who is recently divorced, late-40's, re-entering the dating world after over 20 years of marriage, and discovering that there are women out there who just want his body, not his heart...
Wow! What a switch! This guy was thinking he'd enjoy the "chase" and have lots of fun having lots of fun... What he began to discover was that he was meeting one woman after another who was simply hungry for some good sex and not particularly interested in a "relationship".
What's with that?
When we women have been known to be hungry for a relationship, our complaints have often been that "he just wants me for sex and I want more!"
Are the tables turning?
Are women now hungry for the body parts and not the soul connection?
Are men now hungry for the soul connection and not the body parts?
Well...as you know from reading my blog posts, part of my most recent complaint with the man I thought was my lover was that he wasn't giving me his heart, just his body. I wanted his heart. As much as I was loving the sexual connection, what I discovered about myself was that having a sexual relationship without the soul connection just was not satisfying to me.
I'd love to hear from you!
What do you want and need from a partner, these days?
Are you looking for a relationship?
Or...is a relationship something that, for you, is just too much work, and you'd rather have some good sex that is not complicated by an emotional relationship?
When we have what we sense is some kind of "soul connection" with someone we also have an "attraction" for...what do we do with that? Is it our imagination? Is it wishful thinking?
At what point can you and I trust our intuitive sensitivities, and acknowledge that there either is or is not a soul connection?
When I first met "Mr. Wonderful", when he walked up to me to kiss me, there was this electric energy, this mysterious connection, which I wanted to believe was some kind of "soul connection". When his body was touching mine, when his hands were exploring my body, when I was touching him in all those places specifically reserved for intimates, I wanted -- so wanted -- to believe that this was a soul connection.
I was speaking with a client a few days ago who had a long affair with a younger man; she expressed feeling like a teenager again and that she felt this wondrous "soul connection" with this man. He has since decided to suspend the sexual contact, but still wants the "soul connection" and for that, she is sad and even angry. She wants his body parts. He wants the soul connection. She needs the physical intimacy to experience the soul connection fully. He is resisting the physical contact in order to prolong what, for him, is the "soul connection".
Strange? Confusing?
Talk to me...
Blessings
Sheila
These are the words of a man who is recently divorced, late-40's, re-entering the dating world after over 20 years of marriage, and discovering that there are women out there who just want his body, not his heart...
Wow! What a switch! This guy was thinking he'd enjoy the "chase" and have lots of fun having lots of fun... What he began to discover was that he was meeting one woman after another who was simply hungry for some good sex and not particularly interested in a "relationship".
What's with that?
When we women have been known to be hungry for a relationship, our complaints have often been that "he just wants me for sex and I want more!"
Are the tables turning?
Are women now hungry for the body parts and not the soul connection?
Are men now hungry for the soul connection and not the body parts?
Well...as you know from reading my blog posts, part of my most recent complaint with the man I thought was my lover was that he wasn't giving me his heart, just his body. I wanted his heart. As much as I was loving the sexual connection, what I discovered about myself was that having a sexual relationship without the soul connection just was not satisfying to me.
I'd love to hear from you!
What do you want and need from a partner, these days?
Are you looking for a relationship?
Or...is a relationship something that, for you, is just too much work, and you'd rather have some good sex that is not complicated by an emotional relationship?
When we have what we sense is some kind of "soul connection" with someone we also have an "attraction" for...what do we do with that? Is it our imagination? Is it wishful thinking?
At what point can you and I trust our intuitive sensitivities, and acknowledge that there either is or is not a soul connection?
When I first met "Mr. Wonderful", when he walked up to me to kiss me, there was this electric energy, this mysterious connection, which I wanted to believe was some kind of "soul connection". When his body was touching mine, when his hands were exploring my body, when I was touching him in all those places specifically reserved for intimates, I wanted -- so wanted -- to believe that this was a soul connection.
I was speaking with a client a few days ago who had a long affair with a younger man; she expressed feeling like a teenager again and that she felt this wondrous "soul connection" with this man. He has since decided to suspend the sexual contact, but still wants the "soul connection" and for that, she is sad and even angry. She wants his body parts. He wants the soul connection. She needs the physical intimacy to experience the soul connection fully. He is resisting the physical contact in order to prolong what, for him, is the "soul connection".
Strange? Confusing?
Talk to me...
Blessings
Sheila
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
PERFECT PARTNERS: GODDESSES & DRAMA QUEENS
Yes! I'm STILL doing that internal "dance" with myself: I let him go...but do I take him back?
There is within you and within me at LEAST two women (this is written to women today): The Goddess and the Drama Queen. I might otherwise refer to these two opposing resident inclinations as our Higher Self and our Little Self. The "higher self" is aware of who she is, is confident about who she is, and needs to prove nothing to others nor to have others prove anything to her. Thus, she can be open-hearted, loving, accepting, joyful and she blesses all that comes to her, because she "gets" that whatever that is, there is a gift in the experience somewhere. The "little self" forgets who she really is and consequently has the illusion that she needs something from someone else to be validated, to be vindicated, to be appreciated, to be loved and acknowledged. Thus, she is quick to be demanding of everything she thinks she needs to have in order to be okay, she is constantly complaining about what isn't good enough or right enough, she is forever criticizing others for what (in her view) is "wrong" or not "right" about practically everything. She doesn't acknowledge a whole heck of a lot in her life as being wonderful; she's forgotten how to be grateful for little and big things, and instead of blessing her life, she curses it.
I will share with you one of the precipitating conflicts that led to one of the seventeen "breakups" with my guy:
Several weeks after he had moved to his new house, he invited me for a visit. Because we each have busy work schedules, he suggested that I visit some morning when I have another appointment near where he lives, and we could include a tour of the new house and a visit. I had arranged to have a massage appointment, which was nearby his new house, so that my trip would be cost-effective in terms of my driving time. The day before our planned visit, he instant messaged me: "fyi...your visit has to be snappy...you know how busy I am in the morning..."
Well! I saw all colors of red. I felt as if a knife had been thrust into my heart. I had been excited about making my first visit to see his new place, the set up of his new office and high-tech equipment, even looking forward to sharing a cup of coffee and listening to his new stereo equipment, which he reported to be awesome. I felt as if he had stuck a pin in my balloon and suddenly, my great enthusiasm to make this visit was reduced to a little pile of ashes.
My reply to him: "lovers don't tell one another to be SNAPPY...and just to make sure you have plenty of time for your work tomorrow morning, I won't be showing up at all!"
I was hurt. I was insulted. I felt like the gift of his invitation to visit had been taken away with one word: SNAPPY...
That one word caused me to once again evaluate this relationship for myself. Once again, for the 16th time, I was considering ending it all, forever. My ongoing assessment of him was that he was stingy: in time, with his emotions, and with money. Did I really want to prolong the inevitable end to a relationship that could be summed up with the word SNAPPY?!?
His use of that one word, and my reaction to his use of it, caused a chain-reaction of responses and counter-responses, culminating in what I thought and fully believed to be the FINAL breakup. He came to my place to get his things. We agreed that it was done. Finished. Over.
A few days later, he began the campaign to inspire me to change my mind. What's with that?! I had finally regained my sanity and ended a relationship which was a dead-end for me, and he begins to pull at me, poke at me, to prod me back into that space of total insanity...being totally out of my mind!
His text messages began with "thinking of you..." then added: "you're the best...I miss you" and continued with "I promise to always honor you and give you everything you want and need..."
The Goddess in me was being misled by all those "higher" inclinations of acceptance, love and blessing, being blinded by the misguided notion that these inclinations were to be exercised on him rather than on myself. The first order of business for any self-respecting Goddess is to first love herself, to first take care of her needs and ensure that she entrusts her heart only to those who will honor and cherish her. The Goddess inclinations wanted to believe in him, to accept him, to love him and bless him.
I had grown to feel embarrassed by the Drama Queen in me: I didn't want to be demanding or critical or skeptical; I didn't want to complain about what he didn't do...I wanted to take the high road and step over my complaints and criticisms.
However...look at what happened: because I had become the Drama Queen in the matter and had a genuine emotional melt-down over what I perceived to be disrespect, he changed his tune. Within a short period of time, he literally got on his knees to apologize for behaving like a "insensitive jerk"... He promised to honor me in the future, if I would only give him another chance.
So I did...
For several weeks, he behaved himself: he treated me like a Goddess and seemed to honor me in many ways. He was tender, passionate, affectionate and even more generous with his time. He was consistent in being responsive to me, not ignoring any of my emails or calls. It seemed like my being the Drama Queen had created a positive turn-around in his behavior and therefore in our relationship.
Until...
A couple of days ago, there was another email exchange which went south. For no apparent reason, he became distant, silent, cold, and generally unresponsive. I wanted to meet with him to explore the wrinkle in the fabric. He was too busy. With a cold business-like two-line email, he announced that he needed to pick up some of his things, in case he needed to have them before he saw me again. That icy statement was a red flag to me: he had just declared a few days prior that he wanted to see me more often... I was puzzled. I expressed my curiosity about his change of "mood". Nothing. No answer. Once again, I felt I had been hit with a two-by-four and the sting of his cold, unloving behavior went straight to my heart. I could feel my temperature rising... Oh no...the Drama Queen is coming out to join the party...
I couldn't contain myself: "I'm shocked by your capacity for coldness and distancing yourself from me in a way that seems like the epitome of emotional cruelty...I have been insane to think you could sustain being loving and generous with me. I don't want anything further to do with you. Please do not contact me! we are done."
His infuriating response: "...a perfect example of creating one's reality...."
The Goddess in me reminded myself to LOVE MYSELF FIRST. From Self-Love, all else will flow naturally. I accepted the situation for what it was: not a viable relationship. Period. I want to love and be loved. I want reciprocity. I was to spend my time with a loving man who can hardly wait to spend time with me and loves to celebrate me and allows me to celebrate him.
The Drama Queen isn't all bad, you know! She has been protecting me... True, the Drama Queen contributed to the dissolution of this relationship: she would sometimes get jealous, criticize him for what he was NOT doing, rather than acknowledging what he did do. The Drama Queen was often working overtime assessing all his shortcomings and helping me get dangerously close to feeling like a victim. Oh no! Not going there!
Goddesses are never victims! Goddesses are VICTORS! Goddesses walk away from self-defeating relationships, willing to feel the pain and the fear, somehow knowing that they will pick themselves up and keep going, walking tall. The Goddess in you and me is not going to give herself away for ransom. The Goddess in you and me is totally invested in being authentic, bold and self-expressed.
To be continued...
With hugs and blessings
Sheila
There is within you and within me at LEAST two women (this is written to women today): The Goddess and the Drama Queen. I might otherwise refer to these two opposing resident inclinations as our Higher Self and our Little Self. The "higher self" is aware of who she is, is confident about who she is, and needs to prove nothing to others nor to have others prove anything to her. Thus, she can be open-hearted, loving, accepting, joyful and she blesses all that comes to her, because she "gets" that whatever that is, there is a gift in the experience somewhere. The "little self" forgets who she really is and consequently has the illusion that she needs something from someone else to be validated, to be vindicated, to be appreciated, to be loved and acknowledged. Thus, she is quick to be demanding of everything she thinks she needs to have in order to be okay, she is constantly complaining about what isn't good enough or right enough, she is forever criticizing others for what (in her view) is "wrong" or not "right" about practically everything. She doesn't acknowledge a whole heck of a lot in her life as being wonderful; she's forgotten how to be grateful for little and big things, and instead of blessing her life, she curses it.
I will share with you one of the precipitating conflicts that led to one of the seventeen "breakups" with my guy:
Several weeks after he had moved to his new house, he invited me for a visit. Because we each have busy work schedules, he suggested that I visit some morning when I have another appointment near where he lives, and we could include a tour of the new house and a visit. I had arranged to have a massage appointment, which was nearby his new house, so that my trip would be cost-effective in terms of my driving time. The day before our planned visit, he instant messaged me: "fyi...your visit has to be snappy...you know how busy I am in the morning..."
Well! I saw all colors of red. I felt as if a knife had been thrust into my heart. I had been excited about making my first visit to see his new place, the set up of his new office and high-tech equipment, even looking forward to sharing a cup of coffee and listening to his new stereo equipment, which he reported to be awesome. I felt as if he had stuck a pin in my balloon and suddenly, my great enthusiasm to make this visit was reduced to a little pile of ashes.
My reply to him: "lovers don't tell one another to be SNAPPY...and just to make sure you have plenty of time for your work tomorrow morning, I won't be showing up at all!"
I was hurt. I was insulted. I felt like the gift of his invitation to visit had been taken away with one word: SNAPPY...
That one word caused me to once again evaluate this relationship for myself. Once again, for the 16th time, I was considering ending it all, forever. My ongoing assessment of him was that he was stingy: in time, with his emotions, and with money. Did I really want to prolong the inevitable end to a relationship that could be summed up with the word SNAPPY?!?
His use of that one word, and my reaction to his use of it, caused a chain-reaction of responses and counter-responses, culminating in what I thought and fully believed to be the FINAL breakup. He came to my place to get his things. We agreed that it was done. Finished. Over.
A few days later, he began the campaign to inspire me to change my mind. What's with that?! I had finally regained my sanity and ended a relationship which was a dead-end for me, and he begins to pull at me, poke at me, to prod me back into that space of total insanity...being totally out of my mind!
His text messages began with "thinking of you..." then added: "you're the best...I miss you" and continued with "I promise to always honor you and give you everything you want and need..."
The Goddess in me was being misled by all those "higher" inclinations of acceptance, love and blessing, being blinded by the misguided notion that these inclinations were to be exercised on him rather than on myself. The first order of business for any self-respecting Goddess is to first love herself, to first take care of her needs and ensure that she entrusts her heart only to those who will honor and cherish her. The Goddess inclinations wanted to believe in him, to accept him, to love him and bless him.
I had grown to feel embarrassed by the Drama Queen in me: I didn't want to be demanding or critical or skeptical; I didn't want to complain about what he didn't do...I wanted to take the high road and step over my complaints and criticisms.
However...look at what happened: because I had become the Drama Queen in the matter and had a genuine emotional melt-down over what I perceived to be disrespect, he changed his tune. Within a short period of time, he literally got on his knees to apologize for behaving like a "insensitive jerk"... He promised to honor me in the future, if I would only give him another chance.
So I did...
For several weeks, he behaved himself: he treated me like a Goddess and seemed to honor me in many ways. He was tender, passionate, affectionate and even more generous with his time. He was consistent in being responsive to me, not ignoring any of my emails or calls. It seemed like my being the Drama Queen had created a positive turn-around in his behavior and therefore in our relationship.
Until...
A couple of days ago, there was another email exchange which went south. For no apparent reason, he became distant, silent, cold, and generally unresponsive. I wanted to meet with him to explore the wrinkle in the fabric. He was too busy. With a cold business-like two-line email, he announced that he needed to pick up some of his things, in case he needed to have them before he saw me again. That icy statement was a red flag to me: he had just declared a few days prior that he wanted to see me more often... I was puzzled. I expressed my curiosity about his change of "mood". Nothing. No answer. Once again, I felt I had been hit with a two-by-four and the sting of his cold, unloving behavior went straight to my heart. I could feel my temperature rising... Oh no...the Drama Queen is coming out to join the party...
I couldn't contain myself: "I'm shocked by your capacity for coldness and distancing yourself from me in a way that seems like the epitome of emotional cruelty...I have been insane to think you could sustain being loving and generous with me. I don't want anything further to do with you. Please do not contact me! we are done."
His infuriating response: "...a perfect example of creating one's reality...."
The Goddess in me reminded myself to LOVE MYSELF FIRST. From Self-Love, all else will flow naturally. I accepted the situation for what it was: not a viable relationship. Period. I want to love and be loved. I want reciprocity. I was to spend my time with a loving man who can hardly wait to spend time with me and loves to celebrate me and allows me to celebrate him.
The Drama Queen isn't all bad, you know! She has been protecting me... True, the Drama Queen contributed to the dissolution of this relationship: she would sometimes get jealous, criticize him for what he was NOT doing, rather than acknowledging what he did do. The Drama Queen was often working overtime assessing all his shortcomings and helping me get dangerously close to feeling like a victim. Oh no! Not going there!
Goddesses are never victims! Goddesses are VICTORS! Goddesses walk away from self-defeating relationships, willing to feel the pain and the fear, somehow knowing that they will pick themselves up and keep going, walking tall. The Goddess in you and me is not going to give herself away for ransom. The Goddess in you and me is totally invested in being authentic, bold and self-expressed.
To be continued...
With hugs and blessings
Sheila
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